I’ve always known that writing is the sole purpose of my life. However, I don’t do it. I know I should, but I don’t.
This problem comes from the fear I have of opening up my computer and not doing justice to the story and characters that live inside my head.
Every time I start writing, it seems wrong. The arc, the point and the character changes whenever I type them down, and then the story is never quite the same. I hate it.
Therefore, I feel more comfortable keeping it inside me.
Also, although I’m constantly inventing and developing the story that for me feels so real and amazing, it makes me afraid. Because, in my head this is the perfect story. It has my tastes, my experiences, my knowledge and everything I believe to be perfect in a story.
However, I know that my perfect is not everyone else’s and I know I shouldn’t worry about it, but it makes me anxious every time I write something down.
Also, I’m afraid of not making sense. What if what I write has no meaning to other people? What if I’m misunderstood? What if I have no impact? What if they hate it?
This is an irrational fear, because I should write for myself and I should write the perfect book I wish I could read. However, I worry too much about not making any sense and about not explaining myself well enough to deliver my point successfully.
I also have this stupid notion that there will come a day in the future when I’ll be prepared enough to write everything down and make it perfect. However, that time has not come and I’m not as naive as to think that there will come a day when I’ll feel so inspired and so sure of myself as to complete this novel once and for all.
Moreover, I know this are just petty excuses and irrational fears that are getting between me and my lifetime goal. I know I shouldn’t be so stupid as to think that this novel is going to write itself on its own. But to be honest I don’t know how to do it. I’ve read countless articles and some books about plotting, structuring, developing and crafting; however I don’t ever feel prepared to start. Even if I own about three notebooks filled with information, character arcs, backstories, timeline, scenes and outlines.
I feel scared and I just don’t want to do it.
Overall, I believe that the biggest war to be fought when creating something is the war that goes inside you own head. The obstacles and excuses one creates to not do something because we are afraid, actually abstains us from completing such goals.
However, if I want to ever become an author I should acquire some discipline and just start. Not wait for inspiration to come, or for that special time that I know will never come. It will be hard and I will have to push myself harder than I have ever before.